Friday, September 27, 2013

I ran 11 miles today, barefoot, with no water, and a tiger was chasing me the whole way. Did I impress you?

This might be my favorite topic yet. 
 
 
Friday, September 27: An anonymous letter to your Facebook friends. Be as snarky as you'd like. (but don't include people's real names.) 
 
Disclaimer:  This is not nice.  I contemplated changing some things, but I am not a sugar-coater. 
 
Dear Facebook friends that  I cannot stand,
 
No one cares how much you ran today.  I may not have ran 11 miles today, but I did do hot yoga for an hour and a half, and then went to kickboxing for an hour and group core for a 30 minutes.  Then I continued to workout on an elliptical while I waited for my boyfriend to finish playing basketball.  But you didn't see me posting that on Facebook because NO ONE CARES.  You should workout for you, not because you want to tell everyone how special you are.  Not mention the fact that the reason WHY you run so much is because you DON'T HAVE A JOB, and you have lots of free time. 
 
Also please stop complaining about EVERYTHING.  Didn't your mom ever teach you that if you didn't have anything nice to say then you shouldn't say anything at all?  A little optimism goes a long way.  My grandma once told me that my Facebook posts brighten her day.  That makes me feel really good, and it also makes me think twice about posting anything hateful or pessimistic.  You should be counting your blessings for everything that you have, like a computer with internet which gives you the ability to turn Facebook into a complaint department. 
 
And please quit taking selfies in the bathroom mirror.  At least use the mirror in your bedroom or flip around the camera on your phone.  No one wants to see your toilet.  It makes us wonder why you were in the bathroom in the first place.
 
And I am really glad that you are having a baby.  Really I am, but please do not take pictures of your bare stomach.  Especially at 9 months.  That **** is gross and no one wants to see it, especially if you write on it with marker.  Keep your shirt down...PLEASE.
 
Sincerely and regretfully,
 
Your positive Polly of a friend, Elyse

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to bed, and I'm going to pray extra hard for forgiveness from all the mean things I just said.  Sorry God!  *looking to the heavens with prayer hands*



3 comments:

Pamela said...

I am so with you on every single one of these! and let me add....cryptic posts are the worst - like "I am so mad right now" - just begging to be asked "about what?" and then they post "inbox me!" The last thing I would do is inbox anyone with that status on FB. ugh!

Elle Hattan said...

This is awesome! Thank you so much for posting this because now I don't feel so bad for thinking it!

The Schellers said...

I am like you! I was going to maybe make mine positive, and then I thought "Nope! I'm going to be snarky just this once!" It's kinda fun, isn't it? : )

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